I’m still standing. That’s nothing short of a miracle considering the stress I’ve been through in the last month. Moving is stressful enough. Tack on sickness and dealing with difficult people, and it was nearly enough to put this mother of three over the edge. That’s why I say the next time I move I hope I’m so old and senile that I have no recollection of it and someone else has to do it for me.

Moving day was May 27, and it was filled with more drama than an episode of The Bachelor. I should have known when the moving truck wore out its shocks trying to go up our steep driveway that it would be one of those days littered with all kinds of obstacles.

For starters, the bank took its sweet time on the final details of our loan. I don’t know what those underwriters do all day, but I was sweating bullets on moving day as it looked for a while that we might miss our closing and be homeless over the holiday weekend. Thankfully God worked out the details. I think He knew I couldn’t handle a weekend confined to a hotel with three children.

Moving day also was the last day of preschool for my twins. When I picked them up from school,  I discovered my son had a suspiciously deep cough. My mommy sense kicked in. Something told me this was different than a cold.  So as the movers packed up our belongings, I headed to my pediatrician’s office. One breathing treatment later,  he was sent home with a neubulizer and instructions to give him this inhaled medicine every four hours.

Then I got back home just in time with for an encounter with McJerky, who was there for a final walk through….or so we thought. Apparently, seeing the house less than 24 hours before closing was not enough. He insisted on coming again at 7:30 a.m. Why? Who knows? Don’t try to understand McJerky. You’d have more luck at making sense of the finale of LOST.

I guess McJerky thought a mother of three young kids would have nothing better to do than spray-paint graffiti on the walls…..as if didn’t have enough to do with packing up the entire belongings of my house. How could a reasonable person not understand that it’s a huge inconvience to come back that early?  My husband and I needed that time to get ourselves dressed, get our kids dressed and fed, give one child a breathing treatment and rush to pack up our final possessions so we could leave by the closing that morning.

McJerky and the chip on his shoulder left my house. The more I thought of his inconsiderate and inconvient request, the more my blood began boiling. I felt like the Incredible Hulk. I’m surpised I didn’t turn green and sprout giant muscles out of my shirt. This wasn’t the first time McJerky had inconvienced me. He and his realtor badgered me about getting into the house on several occasions…all around lunchtime and naptime, which are critical times in the day for a stay-at-home mom. Keep in mind these requests all happened as I was recovering from bronchitis and a sinus infection. McJerky also  sent a contractor to my house for an estimate but decided not to ask for permission. Of course, McJerky claimed the contractor came to my house on his own, but I think we all know that contractors rarely show up when you ask them to so why would any sane person think one would  show up uninvited?

For once in my life, I lost it. Honestly, I don’t like confrontation and try to avoid it at all cost. In fact, I rarely send food back at a resturant even when my order is wrong. That’s how out of character it was for me to march outside to tell McJerky’s realtor how ticked I was about the lack of respect my family had been shown during the last four weeks.

I should probably feel bad about it, but I have to admit it felt liberating. Weeks of stress just melted away, and in a strange sense, I felt like I was sticking up for stay-at-home moms. Who was this jerk to think I had nothing going on during my day but to cater to his scheduling wishes?  I don’t sit on my bum eating bon bons and watching soap operas all day. My schedule is so busy that I count it as a small blessing if I have time to stop and pee during the day.

To those witnessing my redneck lawn rant, I’m sure I, a petite woman,  must have looked like an angry chiuwawa barking and jumping in the grass to ward off a big dog. I suppose we all have our redneck moments though.

Moving day didn’t end any better.  My youngest vomited all over me after dinner and  then another pooped in the bathtub. Who knows why? Maybe it was the full moon. All I know is I was ready to sit down and have a good cry.

Then just like a bad rash, McJerky came back to irritate me. After making a big deal about the 7:30 a.m. walk through, he was a no show and didn’t bother to inform us. I got up early and busted my tail to get out for nothing. The kicker is after the closing he renegged on the verbal agreement we had made earlier in the week to leave our food in the refrigerator until we closed on our new house. To make a long story short, McJerky threw out all the food in my refrigerator. It’s a bit ironic that the one who had so much distrust turned out to be the one not to be trusted. I wish he had at least told me, even if it was a lie, that he had donated the food to a shelter.

I’ve learned my lesson though. Some people are jerks just because they can be. Now if I could just find a way to sign up McJerky up for a lifetime of spam “Is you refrigerator running” jokes, I’d feel much better.

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